PIG RIDER

Ernest Shillingford was born by administrative error in a shed near Fittleworth, Sussex. At an early age he was run out of the village by a mob wielding sundry agricultural implements for displaying dangerously left-handed tendencies. Taking refuge in a cave outside of Winterborne Stickland he survived for many years by performing traditional rural tasks such as sheep turning and badger mithering.  An unexpected talent for the latter led to a place at Queen Mary College at the University of London, which he left with a double-bass and a degree of alcoholism (well, at 10p a pint in the student union bar, wouldn’t you?).  Signing up to the Merchant Navy, Ernest rose to the rank of Assistant Under-Stoker before running away to the circus to become a clown tamer. He was subsequently abducted by aliens who were conducting research into anal and time dilation but was released after displaying dangerously left-handed tendencies. Using qualifications purchased on the internet, he gained a position at CERN where he collided with a large hadron and developed an allergy to coffee. As policy adviser to the para-military wing of the Monster Raving Loony Party he formulated proposals for a balanced budget through taxation of right-handed people.  After catching Dutch Elm disease, he changed his name to Colin Kitchener and trained as an evil banker, selling Payment Protection Insurance to random passers-by in the street before being sacked by John Mayes in his absence.  Following a spell of dealing toxic credit derivatives for the Japanese and precipitating a global financial meltdown, Colin retired and now lives in a greenhouse. His hobbies include dropping large weights on armadillos, gout, collecting left-handed stoats and teaching them to sing “Have you seen your neighbour in the bath?”